Screenplay

July 8, 2024

Contact: [email protected] Version 8

COLD OPEN

It’s a beautiful spring day in 1996. A mustachio’d man (CHARLES) with a cane and a topcoat saunters through the brand new MagicLand theme park, a little boy (NICK) wandering after him, astounded by the sights.

Yes, all this took our family years to build, with the one purpose of putting the MAGIC back into people’s lives. One day it’ll all be yours Son! Just like my father gave it to me!

Wow!

I know you’re just a boy still, but you must never forget that real magic isn’t magic at all!

Charles bends down and looks Nick dead in the eyes.

It’s dreams and hopes and wishes!?

Charles tussles his hair.

Completely wrong! It’s sweat and tears and hard work every single day that makes real magic like this possible.

Behind them a little boy is dragged along by his mom.

I don’t feel good.

The little boy BARFS all over the pavement.

Charles hands his son Nick a mop.

Go make some magic Nick.

Just 10 minutes from the world famous “MagicLand” theme park is a tiki dive bar where tired park workers take solace. It's grimey and greasy, but easy and homely.

Sitting vacantly at the bar is NICK, now in his thirties, a sweet but cynical spindle of a man, and CLARENCE THE MAGIC CAT, (A cat styled theme park mascot), at the bar.

--so the kids leave popcorn all over the front row, and I'm hungover as hell so I just left it there! I think when I first started I would have happily picked it up and smiled. You know, for "the magic"-- but not anymore! I'm done with the whole place. Screw Dad and screw Magic Land!

Clarence nods and 'sips' his drink.

A grimy DAVE THE COOK (60's, dour, oblong) saddles up and slaps a plate of eggs and bacon in front of Nick, pours Clarence another beer.

Another round for Clarence, and for you the prince of Magicland, I present the magical SPECIAL! Abara Cadabra!

Dave does a flourish with his towel and accidentally smacks Nick on the face.

Thanks.

It's all part of the magic of magicland prince Nicholas. You're welcome.

Dave waddles off.

Clarence takes both paws onto his beer, puts his hands over his face and leans into the bar. Nick sluggishly starts into his breakfast.

I remember how excited I was the first day in the New Adults Program. You know, the slave labor thing they sucker college kids into? Finally I’d get a chance to be prove myself. Maybe dad would trust me to rise through the ranks and run the whole park like he promised! I could prove that I deserved it.

Nick picks up a piece of bacon and inspects it closely.

Not just because I'm the son of Charles Magic, but because I earned it, you know!

Nick bites off the end of his bacon and throws it back on his place in disgust. Clarence puts a paw on Nicks shoulder.

Thanks, I'll be okay. Hell, I'm so frustrated with the place but I don't know who I'd be without Magic Land. It's practically been my identity for my whole life and where's it gotten me? Cleaning up puke and popcorn!

Clarence abruptly puts his drink down and points to a clock on the wall, panicked.

What? What is it?

Clarence points more assertively. Nick Looks.

Time?

Clarence holds up a four fingered hand.

For?

Clarence mimes a magical flourish.

Magic?... Time for Magic? Crap! I'm late for work!

Nick rushes out. Dave the cook walks over to their spot.

You didn't touch your breakfast!

He inspects the plate. Takes the toast off and bites into it.

Guess I'll handle the disappearing act for this breakfast.

He flourishes his towel over the plate.

END OF COLD OPEN

ACT ONE

A bland beige breakroom holds half asleep employees.

RICHARD, a dashing old fox in glasses, walks around the room and hands out paper assignments with the flair of a showman.

First contestant: Tara

TARA, early twenties, a chubby, sheltered Marilyn Monroe wannabe, raises her perfectly manicured hand over her vampire romance novel.

You're on Princess duty today.

Yuss!

She fist pumps and her glasses almost fly off her face.

Across the room PRISCILLA, a stunning and vain twenty- something social media queen, gasps as her head snaps up from her pink phone.

Richard, I told all my Twine followers to come see me because I was going to be the princess today!

For the Zillionth time Priscilla, call me Mr. Coates please. I'm your shift manager, remember?

Richard taps on his name badge. Priscilla bats her eyes at Tara.

Why don't you switch with me Tara? I'll give you a big shoutout on Twine if you do? You always get to be princess!

I've been preparing to be the princess my whole life Priscilla. Not a chance in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks. I'll never give you princess duty as long as I'm breathing.

Priscilla exhales a storm of venom and promptly gets back to tapping furiously on her phone.

This isn't over yet, not by a long shot. I'm going to be princess today even if it kills you.

Raul, you've got balloon duty with Priscilla.

Sitting patiently behind the sea of chairs is RAUL, Early 20's, well pressed, hispanic, he rolls his eyes and crosses his arms.

I'll try and keep her away from her “adoring Twine fans.”

Sounds good. Anthony.

In a corner, ANTHONY, a twenty-something handsome, nerdy black man looks up from his blipping Pikachu Nintendo Switch.

What's good?

I'm gonna need you to play the prince today.

It would be my honor sire, to play the role affix'd to me.

Right. Now has anybody here seen--

Nick bursts through the door and skids into the middle of the conference room

--Nick.

Ta-Da!

Nice timing. You’re on Magic Room duty today.

Nick beelines to the coffee machine and swills down some brown brew.

Ugh, I'll be pulling scarves out of my butt all day.

Come on, no attitude today. That's not what Amos Randhorne Magic would have wanted.

Richard waves to a portrait on the wall of an elderly figure. It's what Nick is gonna look like in 60 years.

The Magic Room is stupid Richard, even my grandpa thought so. Give me a challenge for once.

Okay, If you'd rather have vomit duty with T-DOG that could be arranged.

A LARGE, MOUTH BREATHING PIMPLE FACTORY suddenly floats from the dark recesses of the break room. T-DOG, as the urban legends go, once made a coach burst into flame by either breathing at it or sitting on it. Nobody knows which.

Barf Day. Barf Day.

Heh, looks like Magic Room it is.

T-DOG shrinks back into the corner, hurt. Richard flips through his papers.

Great!, Also we're getting a new employee today. So everybody be on best behavior.

Another “New Adult”? They're always too chipper.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the New Adult Program!

See what I mean?

--Oh...And if anyone; ANYONE sees Miles in the park they are to report to me immediately. I'll not have him lounging around and sucking out the magic for the guests anymore.

Richard balls up his announcement sheet and chucks it at the waste bin. It rebounds off a printout of a smirking grey 50 something's face (Miles) hung up there.

Richard, you do know Miles is a paying customer. Right?

Richard turns on him like a rabid dog.

Just because he has a season pass that gives him the right to bilk us out of all the food, drink, and whatever else he wants? Not to mention HE CAN'T LIVE INSIDE THE PARK!!!

Everyone stares back at Richard blankly. They've seen this fury before.

Richard, he's not living here.

Oh yes he is! I just know it!

Crickets in the room. Richard clasps his hands together and takes a calming breath.

Fine, then I'll have to prove it to you... Now, everyone, let's make some Magic today people!

Richard enthusiastically claps and everyone sets off for the day.

The victorian guts of the main street Magic Room.

Nick stands behind the mahogany counter in a suave velvet purple smoking jacket. A crowd of MagicLand guests have gathered around him.

Now looks up my other sleeve. Do you see anything?

There's Nuthin!

Now think very very hard. Think about something that you can latch on to. Like the thought that you’re forever stuck in the liminal space of MagicLand.

Huh?

Nick pulls a card out of the kid's shirt pocket.

Is this your card?

Wowee! That's it!

The dumb kid snatches the card from Nick and stares hard at it, utterly bewildered.

How'd ya do that mister?

I've concentrated my mental anguish into telepathic powers.

What...

Sorry, I meant to say “Magic”. It was MAGIC.

Nick sarcastically waves his fingers around. The kid leaves, clutching the card.

MILES, the same wild haired fifty something that Richard thinks is living in the park, whips around from browsing the store.

Nah man, you're not finished yet. You gotta do a trick for me.

Fine Miles, but no hassle today, okay? Richard is on the hunt for you.

That's nonsense! I paid good money for my season pass and I'll be damned if I don't get my worth out of it.

Fine. Fine. Pick a card.

Miles picks a card, eyes Nick suspiciously, then abruptly RIPS it up and EATS it.

I've got you by the balls now Magic Man.

Miles chuckles at his own cleverness.

I was going to ask you to put it back on the deck, but never mind.

Nick puts the deck back behind the counter and straightens out his jacket.

Look kid, you've worked here for a while and always struck me as bright. So what the hell are you still doing around this place?

I don't know man. Sometimes I ask myself the same question.

Hmm. I've been giving some thought to your predicament, and I think I have an idea. Now pull a quarter out of my ear.

Nick lazily leans over the counter and pulls a quarter out of his ear, hands it to him.

What's the idea?

Well, You feel hopeless because nobody's giving you a chance. Right? To them you're just the guy who's washed up and keeps phoning it in. A glutton for pain. A lifer in the big house known as MagicLand. Right?

Right...

So you need to change the way people think of you. Maybe even change the way you think of you. You gotta really shake things up.

But how?

You should quit!

Quit!?

Yep. You should quit right now.

I never thought about quitting.

Why not? If I hadn't quit my lucrative software company I never would have moved here. And look how that turned out!

Miles points at his ear and Nick pulls another quarter out of it.

Well, Maybe I should think about it.

What's to think about? Now what was my card?

Ace of Spades.

PTHEW! Miles spits out a piece of card and it is indeed the ace of spades!

Good one kid. Now do that quarter trick again so I can buy a soda.

Priscilla and Raul cheerlessly dawdle along the paved pathway, handing out balloons to park visitors as they go.

Priscilla talks into her phone, unconcerned with her handful of balloons that are whacking Raul in the face.

PHONE POV:

Hello fellow Twiners out there. Priscilla Princess update. I've been bounced from being princess in favor of Tara. Hashtag awful! Twine me back for support and updates. Bye!

Priscilla puts her phone in her special phone shaped purse.

Priscilla, could you please be a little more concerned with helping me? You've been whacking me in the face with your balloons.

Priscilla turns to Raul, the sad look of the victim on her face.

Raul, I basically signed up myself to be a servant to the MagicLand New Adult Program in the sole hope that I would be the princess. This isn't fair, and this isn't right. I'm the worthiest! I'm more of a princess than Tara ever was!

I'm also part of the New Adult Program, remember? My family lives in Mexico and I really need this job because they're depending on me. Okay Priscilla? So maybe be a little nicer please?

The weight of this completely misses Priscilla.

I'm not rich enough to marry a real prince and I don't speak Danish and so this was basically my only hope Raul. What's my life turning into! A tragedy!? Or worse! A workplace comedy!?

Hey! Earth to Priscilla. You have it easy only being worried of being popular or pretty. If you grew up how I grew up then maybe you would have a different perspective on what the word “tragedy” means. Okay?

Hold that thought. There's a kid coming.

A wide-eyed white EAGER DAD and his HAPPY BOY walks down the path toward them.

Hola guys! A wonderful day at Magic Land! Isn't it!?

Raul hands the dad a balloon.

Have a magical day!

The dad address his child.

You know sport, one day when you grow up, you might be a Magical Engineer and make one of the rides they have here at Magic Land!

Wow, that sounds great!

Don't hold your breath kid, trust me. I came here to be the princess and I'm handing out balloons to ding-dong ping-pongs like you. Think about that when you try to sleep at night.

Priscilla whips out her phone to “Twine” herself and the child, who begins to cry.

PHONE POV:

Special update. Kids here are crying because I can't be princess today like they'd hoped for. See you later Twiners! Like and subscribe for more updates!

The child runs off in a tizzy.

Great work. Now my wife's gonna get full custody.

That was so horrible of you! You just made that boy cry.

Damn right I did. I'm gonna be princess today if I have to make every kid in this stupid park cry.

Priscilla grabs one of Raul's balloons and digs her nails into it, POP!

You're crazy!

I have yet to begin to be “Loca” Raul!

Priscilla brandishes her Nails and snarls.

TAR-AH! Your crown will be mine!

Priscilla's howl sounds across the park all the way to:

Richard roots around the base of a life sized replica medieval castle. He finds a loose panel and pulls it aside to reveal a small encampment inside the hollow interior of the castle.

I knew it! Son of a...

Richard snoops around the human rat's nest. He picks a few things up and marvels at them. There's a rudimentary cot, gas stove, bottled water, rations, a ton of souvenirs, etc.

Oh ho ho, I've got you now Miles. I'm on to you. You are the hunted. I am the hunter. You are the fugitive. I am the law. You are the road runner. I am the coyote.

Richard pulls out the walkie talkie from his belt.

Security. This is FIREBIRD. I think I've found LITTLE SQUIRREL.

Over the radio comes the voice of EARL, a laid back 'too cool for school' type guy.

Earl here. What's up?

Dang it Earl! I told you to use our code names!

Alright, What's your 6?

I'm in the Whimsical Castle. Miles has a bed in here.

That's impossible. Nobody lives in the castle. Over.

Richard fumes and kicks the cot, hurting his foot. Recomposes himself.

I'm right here in his dang living room! He must have found a loose panel and set up camp here.

Richie. I already told you that's not possible, so I don't know what to tell you. Over.

Richard grips the radio so hard his knuckles go white.

It's FIREBIRD!

Whatever. Over.

I am telling you that he's found a way to live inside the castle. I'm standing in his living room right now.

And I'm telling you that's impossible Richard. Nobody lives in the castle. I'm going on break. Over.

Richard grips his radio tightly and does his best to slam it back onto his belt. He ends up fumbling the thing onto the floor under the cot.

AUGH!!! DARN NAB IT.

He gets on his knees and searches for it under the cot, spotting a chewed up piece of playing card.

What in the world?

We're on a pathway that runs straight through the center of the whimsical castle and into the deeper recesses of the park.

Tara and Anthony are dressed in Prince and Princess garb, standing right where the path cuts through the middle of the castle.

Wishes really do come true! I've always known that I'd be the princess of whimsical castle! Even when I was a little girl I knew!

This armor is completely unrealistic and would do nothing to stop a broadsword at all. Look at these joints. Huge gaps! What am I supposed to do? Dance bad guys to death?

A wish is a dream that comes true and wishes are true at MagicLand! Hooray!

Get a ranged unit in here and they'd crit on me all day long. I’m cooked!

An innocent LITTLE GIRL comes up to Tara and Anthony.

Take my picture please!

They pose together with her and all smile! CLICK! The little girl turns to marvel the princess.

When I grow up I wanna be just like you princess!

Then read your books, drink your milk, talk to animals, and you can be a princess too!

Tara gingerly places a toy tiara on the little girl with a wink. Anthony bends down to talk to the little girl.

Excuse me young lady, but do you think this armor could resist a mounted unit or an enchantment mage?

The little girl is confused, but charmed enough to leave with a delighted smile.

I love this job! I get to be a princess and a role model to little girls! Maybe one day I could even lead the whimsical night parade!

I'm sure I'd get a boost to agility and speed. Maybe that's the tradeoff here. Lighter armor class for speed. That's it! I've been thinking about this all wrong. This is ranger armor! Not paladin armor! Egads!

Priscilla stomps up to them with Raul in tow.

She's lost it guys. Watch out!

A princess is worried only about her prince... and women's rights!

I deserve to be the princess!

Priscilla brandishes her fingernails with a snarl. Anthony steps in front of Tara and holds his large arm out in front of himself.

Stop! Violence is never the answer Priscilla!

Raul tries to hold Priscilla back as she claws up the 'armor' on Anthony's arm.

Aha! An attack successfully defended!

Raul pries Priscilla off.

Stop this! We're all going to get kicked out of the New Adults Program!

Fine then Raul. I have an idea! Twine me!

She throws her phone to Raul. Who fumbles with it.

Tara Frankman. I call upon my magical right to demand-- A Princess-off!!!

A challenge for the title of Magical Princess must be answered under threat of banishment! What say you Tara?

Everyone Gasps! Tara steps forward.

How dare you challenge me! You know that I am the ultimate princess!

Yea, You might know the nonsense stories they tell you here, but I know about poise, style, and royalty! I am a REAL princess and you're-- you're just a storybook copy of the real deal!

Then I accept your challenge you... you... RUDE JERK!

Tara takes off her long white glove and slaps Priscilla.

You heard it here first Twiners. More updates soon as I thrash this fake princess.

Priscilla grabs the phone back from Raul and cradles it.

Anthony, you know a ton about being a real prince and medieval stuff and Raul... Raul, I think you have a heart of gold. You should be the judges.

M'Lady.

Raul is struck by this compliment he puts his hand over his heart.

Thank...Thank you so much.

DON'T MESS THIS UP FOR ME RAUL! I WILL SHIP YOU BACK TO GUADALAJARA.

Raul cowers.

Nick takes a stack of quarters out of the drawer and puts them in his suit jacket. In staggers Richard, crazed and disheveled.

I finally have proof that Miles is living in the castle! Quick! You have to come with me and see this.

You're crazy Richard. Nobody lives in the castle. We've been trying to tell you that.

Richard wipes the sweat off his forehead and composes himself.

Why won't anyone believe me?! Fine! You either come find Miles with me or-- or it's back to vomit duty with T-Dog!

T-Dog appears from nowhere again, creeping like an ugly fog toward Nick.

Barf Day?

Richard, You don't have to be so harsh with me man.

It's _Mr. Coates_ Nick! I'm your manager and you have to listen to me! If I say Miles is living in this park then that's the TRUTH!. YOU of all people should believe me because you've been here the longest. You-- You say you want to run the park one day but you can't even--

Richard notices a small piece of chewed up playing card, picks it up.

--He.. He was here?! And you Didn't say anything to me?! That's it. Vomit duty for a month for you!

T-Dog is delighted and starts to drool.

Oh come on. That's no fair.

Three Months! You and T-Dog are gonna be best friends.

Actually, I quit! I hate this stupid place.

T-Dog frowns, deeply injured that Nick would quit, abates back into the shadows. Richard is gobsmacked.

What?! You can't quit! I need you. The new hire is gonna be here any second! She's from Ocean Universe! You know, our biggest competitor! And nobody besides you is even near qualified to show her the ropes. And besides! You can't quit! Your family IS MAGICLAND!

Nick somberly packs his things up and takes his name tag off his velvet jacket.

I don't care! I never wanted this life anyways! Even if the new hire is Scarlett Johansson herself I'm outta here. I wish I'd never even heard of this stupid park. Stupid. STUPID! STUPID!!!

Nick chucks his name tag on the ground and whips around to leave, walking straight into KELLY, poised, stunning, 30's. Knocking her paperwork out of her hands.

Oh! Sorry! First day luck.

She's on the floor picking up her papers. Nick frozen, wide eyed. Smitten. She gathers them all and stands to shake Nick's hand.

Ah, you must be Nicholas Magic, right? I bet nobody knows more about this park than you. Wanna show me around?

Nick does a 180 right back to Richard.

You know Richard, I guess it couldn't hurt to finish out the day...

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

A whirring and buzzing security lab with cavernous rooms to spare.

Around a card table various security guards play poker with EARL (the voice on the radio, even weirder now in person). Richard rushes in and they slam their poker hands down with a sigh. Everyone except Earl, that is.

Looks like I have to fold this hand Gents. Sorry.

Richard leans over Earl and whispers loudly into his ear.

He's here Earl. I swear to God he's living right above us. Right now! You gotta believe me.

Sure sure sure. I believe you.

So what's the issue?! Let's arrest him!

Earl hauls himself up and leads Richard by the shoulder through beeping and whirring machines that keep MagicLand secure and monitored.

Listen Richie, I like you, but it's not as simple as you think it is.

What?! Just go find him and catch him! You're the security chief, right? As the cast manager on duty I'm asking you to get this guy! Now MOUNT UP!

Earl grabs a beer from a nearby glass door fridge. It's stocked with them. He pops it and swigs.

Let me explain something Richie. I can't just go and catch this imaginary “Miles” as you call him because it would mean that I've fundamentally failed as a security chief. Wouldn't it? Because someone is able to “live” in MagicLand, Inside my park, for so long undetected. It would be a severe failure.

Well.. Umm..

That might mean I should be... reprimanded... replaced... fired...

Well I... I wouldn't want...

Earl pats him on the back with false comfort.

Oh, I know that you wouldn't want that Richie, but the fact is this place isn't run by you. You're just a middle manager for someone higher up the totem pole who's smoking cigars and drinking brandy in some boardroom somewhere, throwing darts at a picture of your stupid little chubby face.

Wait a second! Excuse me?!

Earl has led Richard to a corner of the cavern that doesn't seem to have anything in it.

Richie, I like you. I really do. But I have a card game to get back to... And you've got to go dry off.

Excuse me?

Earl throws aside a heavy curtain and SHOVES Richard down a WATER SLIDE!

Richard, screaming the whole way, is flung from the side of the magic castle via water flume into the moat, landing with an enormous SPLOOSH!

Tara and Priscilla are both in princess outfits, empty bottles of wine, heels, makeup lay around, exhausted.

Three to zero loser. Ready to give up?

So what? So you know about fancy bumble-bee-hockey like makeup and wine. But are you a real princess?

Of course I am.

Then can you do this?

Tara starts to sing an aria. Priscilla rolls her eyes and starts Twining on her phone.

Update. Cow sings the song of her people. ReTwine me for likes.

Pricilla puts her phone away.

Incredible! I believe she is channeling the ability of the Bard to summon our courage. It's lovely!

Wha...What are all these squirrels doing here?

All the park's squirrels swarm around Tara and chitter in time with her singing.

By the gods, she's a masterful druid and one with nature as well. Summoning animal familiars is at least a level 10 feat.

Whoa.

...Why aren't you twining this!?

Tara finishes with an exquisite aria. And looks at all the animals.

Thank you animal friends.

Nick shows Kelly around the park. She's taking notes on a legal pad.

-- and over to the right is Merlin:The Ride, it normally Evacuates’s around three or four times a week whenever some kid tries to get off the ride and meet the wizard. Normally doesn't go so well when they find out he's a robot.

Mmhmm. Sounds like you didn't effectively impart to the ride attendants their important place in a guest's magical day.

...I guess?

They walk on.

Over here is the ice cream stand, the refrigeration unit goes in and out so some days it's open and some days it's not. It's kinda crapshoot.

That doesn't sound magical.

Well things here aren't as magical they seem. Okay? They kinda suck actually.

Jeez Nick, You sound just like some of my old coworkers back at Ocean Universe.

What's that supposed to mean?

They walk up on a pirate style ride.

Here. I'll do your bit for you.

Clarence's pirate ship doesn't work most days because we didn't ask the mechanics to fix the--

Kelly looks over at Nick for a fill-in-the-blank.

--seats--

--seats. Instead, every time it breaks down we choose cast ourselves as the victim in our own lives instead of working hard for what we believe in.

A pause, Kelly smirks at Nick with an “Am I right?”.

Actually Clarence's pirate ship is opening later this month.

But close, right?

I bet you make a lot of friends like this. This ‘work harder’ bit play well normally?

Sorry Nick, It's my first day. Let me off the hook, will ya?

...Well today's my last. I'm outta here.

What? Are you kidding me? The grandson of Amos Randhorne Magic wants to quit Magic Land?

Anything's got to be better than this place.

What-- What's happening?

I worked here for years, and nothing's happened. No promotion. Recognition. Nothin. I’m never gonna amount to anything here!

Why don't you just complain to your dad?

I can't! Everybody will know I didn't earn it. I just keep waiting and waiting and yet nothing.

Kelly sighs, puts her hand on his shoulder.

Look, maybe this is overstepping, but hell. If there's one thing I know, it's that “magic” doesn't just happen spontaneously in real life. You have to constantly work at it. For a long time. You can't just give up when you think you should have already won. Maybe rethink your approach. What are you doing to show that you can take on more responsibility?

I want to give up. I'm tired of always showing up and not getting anything out of it. Work! Clean up Barf! BLEH!

That's not how it works Nick. You can't just sink a day, a month, a year, into something and expect it to spring to life. You just have to keep chipping away at it day by day until you can look back and see the effects. A lot of people sink ten years into overnight success. So don't quit Nick! From what I hear you're the best employee MagicLand has!

So... You think I just need to keep going soon they'll promote me to what? Assistant manager? That’s nothing!

Kelly recoils.

OH! That's awkward... It's my first day here... *as the assistant manager*...

Nick dies inside.

... So you wanna show me around the magic shop?

No.

How about an ice cream.

Machine is broken.

Awwwwwwkwaaaaaard.

The princesses are going for round two.

We're tied at three a piece. You're better at Makeup, Wine, and International Politics--

--Thanks high school debate team!--

--And I'm better at talking with animals, mythological lore, and... pastries. It looks like it's a tie.

Anthony and Raul are sitting and eating homemade pies.

And may I say it's a delicious tie.

This pie is amazing!

Priscilla fumes!

Augh! There's got to be some way for me to prove that I'm better than you... Twine followers?

Not royal.

Why do you Twine so much anyway?

Having followers is the only road to social success now-a-days. I have to keep ahead of the curve or else I'm sunk.

Stunning. Priscilla actually has a method to her madness.

--Then there's only one way to solve this. We must share princess duties from now on.

That seems fair.

Tara extends a hand shake to Priscilla who BATS it away.

My tiny cute butt cheeks it's fair! I'm going to talk to Richard.

Hey! That's not fair!

Priscilla storms off, Tara not far behind.

Richard sopping wet, at the urinal, zips up and heads to the sink. As he hums and washes up, he turns to find MILES brushing his teeth and humming along. He winks at Richard. Who does a double take.

You! Aha! I've got you now!

Richard POUNCES on Miles and GRABS him from behind.

Hey man! This isn't cool.

Richard fumbles the walkie talkie into his hand.

Earl! Converge on my location right now! I've got Miles in a headlock!

Technically speaking this is more of a Full Nelson.

Shut up!

Look, I'm just trying to get the most out of my season pass. Don't hate on me so hard.

Earl! Pickup!

Nothing but static.

Why are you wet?

Kelly and Nick are walking along.

So this is the men's room. There's nothing really magical in there unless you have to clean up poop.

From inside the bathroom Richard bellows.

Nick! Is that you! Get in here! I finally got him!

Nick and Kelly hustle into the men's room.

Nick barges into the bathroom. They pause when they see the scene before them.

Oh, hey Nick.

Miles. How's it going?

Miles tries in vain to gesture while in the full nelson.

Oh, you know me man, just hanging out. Didn't you quit?

Eh, It's a long story.

Kelly walks in now too.

What's going on here?

Whoa! Who's this? Hubbah hubbah!

It's a long story Kelly. Miles is a special kind of guest--

--I'm just trying to get the most out of my season pass.--

Kelly nods.

--Oh, I'm up to speed already. We had one of those at Ocean Universe. Yvonne.

Oh Yvonne! Uh. How’s she doing these days?

Nick! you have to help me!

Richard, I quit, remember?

You were just joking though, right?

Good for you man. I’m glad that you’re standing up for what you think is right. Even if it’s because you’re finally becoming a jaded thirty something. But still. Good for you dude!

Uh... Thanks Miles. I was going to quit at the end of the day, because Kelly needed help.

Actually I think I would have been fine on my own.

Nick, don't quit, we need you around here. You've been with MagicLand since you were a baby. Since you were just a sperm in your fathers loinparts.

That's gross dude.

That's exactly why I should quit. All that time and what do I have to show for it... I can’t even make Assistant Manager and my dad RUNS this place. Sorry Richard, but I'm out!

In comes the team of Tara, Priscilla, Anthony, and Raul. All frothed into a big fuss, nobody even acknowledges Richard continuing to manhandle Miles.

Richard, I need you to tell me that I'm a better princess than Tara RIGHT NOW or I QUIT!

Don't do it! I'm the better princess!

Priscilla, please, I... I can't lose two good employees in one day. What would that make me look like as your manager? Right?

Oh no! I'd never threaten to quit Richard. MagicLand gives my life meaning!

I'm not talking about you Tara!

A conundrum! Who is the other person who quit today?

Who wouldn't want to work at the most magical place in the whole world?

Who could afford to quit?

Who has enough followers to quit?

Everyone looks around the room, dumbfounded.

Me.

Everyone GASPS! A terrible silence sets in as everyone stares at Nick.

Tara, fighting tears, fists clenched, walks over to Nick and SMACKS THE SNOT OUT OF HIM.

Just so you know... You're one of the best people working here and... and I can't believe you're giving up on your dreams... Magic is real at Magic Land Nick... It's REAL when we're all here together. You big jerk you...

Tara can't hold back anymore and sobs, falling into Priscilla's embrace. Priscilla shoots a piercing look at Nick.

Hashtag lame Nick. Unfriended. Blocked.

Anthony steps forward, still in the prince armor, monologging.

Nick, Formerly I abused myself of the notion that you aligned with lawful good, but this choice is utter chaotic evil. You're acting against your alignment and I don't think you should be allowed by our DM to take this action... Quitting would be a critical fail for all of us, I mean... Are we a party or aren't we?

Yea dude. Don't quit.

Everyone has said their peace, but everyone is still uncomfortably standing around. Kelly breaks the silence.

Hey everybody. I'm the new girl.

Welcome to Magic Land.

So... Nick and I just met today, but I think he should quit if he wants to. Nobody wants to work somewhere they feel trapped. And definitely no good for someone to hate their job when they used to love it.

General nods of understanding.

I don't know guys. I think Nick should follow his gut instincts and leave this dumpster fire of a theme park.

Shut up!

Whoa, that's some aggression alright.

Earl and Clarence the Cat finally saunter in, the sheriff and the deputy of the town.

What's all this? Clarence came and told me things were getting screwy here and exactly what do I find?

Clarence the Cat shrugs.

I got him Earl! The guy who's living inside the Castle! Here he is. Take him away!

Sir, can I see your ticket please?

Miles struggles free of Richard and digs out his season pass from his wallet. He presents it.

It's a season pass! I have a season pass! Just trying to get the most out of it. Can't blame a guy for doing that. Can you?

Earl takes it and looks at it, hands it back to him.

I'm sorry you've had so much trouble from our employee today Mr. Strauss. Please accept these free food and drink tickets as our sincere apology and have a magical day.

Earl hands him a booklet of tickets. It’s thick.

WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Miles takes them and grins; Cackles.

And here's a guest pass for anyone you'd like.

Sounds fair to me. Have a great night everyone! See you in the morning! Suckers!

Miles blows a raspberry at Richard, skips out of the bathroom with glee. Earl follows.

Well, it's the end of my last shift. If anybody needs me, I'll be at Magic Hour.

Nick strips off his jacket and chucks it on the floor.

Sorry to be such a disappointment everyone.

Nick walks out of the bathroom, through the sea of friends he's betrayed. Nobody can believe it.

Nick sits at the bar again as Clarence the Cat tinkles a tune on the piano in the background.

Richard walks in, sits on the stool, defeated.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Richard signals for the bartender, who brings him a neat scotch.

Well, I couldn't exactly go right home after a day like today.

It was a hell of a day today. I quit... Heh... I can't believe it. What am I going to do tomorrow?

Richard takes a swig of his drink and swirls the rest of it around.

For what it's worth. I like you Nick. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless.

Yea?

Yea. More than you know... So I called my boss and demanded he give you a raise. I didn't ask for much at all--

--Geez, you shouldn't have man--

--And he said absolutely not.

A big pause. Nick runs a hand across his forehead and messes up his hair.

Oh.

Richard knocks back the rest of the drink and signals for another.

So I called your dad.

Nick looks at Richard with worry.

Are you serious?

Richard sips his drink and sits it down slowly.

I told him that we either give you a raise and move you to assistant manager or I quit.

Nick looks gobsmacked at him.

So, if you're up for the position of assistant manager, it's yours. What do you say?

Richard. I... I can't believe you'd do something like that for me.

It’s Mr Coates please.

What about Kelly?

You and her would be co-assistant managers. And at the end of 90 days we'll decide who to keep.

Nick sips his beer and stares into it.

I can't imagine something else I'd rather do tomorrow. Nothing comes to mind to do except to... To come to MagicLand... and...

And?

And be part of the Magic.

It looks like you'll be needing these back then.

Richard produces Nick's name badge and puts it on the counter, along with a new radio sloppily labeled “Assistant Shift Manager”.

Nick picks them up and marvels. He leans over and gives Richard an awkward hug.

Thank you.

Eh... I'll see you tomorrow... Prince Nicholas.

Richard waves the barkeep over and stands up.

Richard.

Yea?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Miles. I promise I'll be a great Assistant Manager.

Nick walks out the door.

I know. Well crap. What the hell am I gonna do with two assistant managers?

Richard vanishes out the door.

In a corner is T-DOG, he's sitting with a party hat on and a slice of cake with a lit candle in it in front of him.

Barf Day.. to me.. Happy Barf Day to me.

He smiles meekly and blows out the candle.

END ACT TWO

TEASER

Priscilla, Tara, and Kelly walk through the park at night, cleaning trash cans and sweeping up as they go.

Face it, I was going to win the princess contest.

A true princess never gloats, that's something only wicked witches do.

Are you sure you two don't want to just call it a tie?

No.

Something SNORES in the bushes behind the path.

Wait, Do you hear that?

They go to look for it in the bushes.

Miles lies in a small opening behind the bushes, sleeping on his back in a clearing.

The three ladies approach.

Finally, we will decide who will be the princess once and for all. Who can kiss the prince awake?

You're on. I'm going to french kiss this old man straight out of sand land.

But before they can begin, Kelly WALLOPS Miles across the face. He awakes with a start.

Uh... Can I help you? I'm trying to sleep.

Park is closed sir. Please move to the exit.

Oh Good. Good. Thanks for letting me know. I-- I'll see you in the morning for breakfast.

Miles rolls over and goes back to bed. Tara and Priscilla stare daggers at Kelly.

What?

Now we'll never find out who's the better princess.

Yea!

Good thing for you ladies too. Because ITS ME!

THE END